hcmxiii:

I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but as much as I love and care about you and want something with you and want you to be in my life, I can’t keep doing this to myself. Chasing you. You know? It seems like that’s all our relationship is with each other, sexual. I don’t know if that’s how you might feel because you never really told me where you stand or how you feel about everything. And I do. I want a sexual relationship but I want a friendship/relationship. Something where I know you love me and I don’t have to worry about anything. Because I love you. Despite all your flaws and you’re not a bad person. True, you don’t always make wise decisions, but no one does. That’s why we’re imperfect. You’re a good person with nothing but good intentions you just make mistakes. We all do. I remember the other day you said you still look at other girls, and that’s fine because I still find other guys attractive but I don’t act on what I see. As long as you aren’t actively seeking a relationship with someone else while you’re with me, that’s okay. That’s apart of life and growing up.
But like, this, whatever we are, whatever we’re doing its like we’re distracting each other . You said the other day that someone told you I was madly in love with you, and you know they weren’t entirely wrong. Because maybe I am madly in love with you. But I never know how you feel about me. I know you’re always like you can do better showing me rather than telling me but sometimes I need to verbally hear how much someone loves or cares about me. Along with actions. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate your actions in the present or past but I need that. I need someone I can talk to and someone I will always know is just going to love me. Get annoyed with me and my nervousness or my retarded moments or my insane family and still want to be bothered with me and not just drop everything we have. Someone I can build with. I’m not asking for a perfect relationship, just one that despite our shortconings, downfalls and mistakes we still are going to work through it with each other, together. I WANT THAT WITH YOU. I want it to be you. I truly, honestly do. But I know you said you’re not ready, which I totally understand.
I’m not saying that you’re not all those things because I know you can be.
All I’m saying is that in the end, when it’s all said and done and everyone is settled in their homes in paradise, I want mine to be with you. I hope, down in my heart, in my subconscious, that you choose me over all the rest.